Burlesque

Written and directed by Steve Antin (Young Americans) Burlesque is the story of Ali (Christina Aguilera in her first "acting" role), a waitress from Boring-town Iowa who dreams of moving to Hollywood and making it big.
So she does.
End of movie.
She stumbles across a burlesque club and, after making a huge investment in the form of a $20 door charge, she enters the world of sequins, dancing and lip-synching and doesn't want to turn back.
Tess (Cher - Mermaids) is owner of the club that is in financial trouble. Mr Real Estate man Marcus (Eric Dane - Grey's Anatomy) wants to by the club and make it all commercial and shit but Tess is too stubborn and attached to the place and doesn't want to sell.
In the club Ali meets hottie bartender Jack (Cam Gigandet - Easy A) and moves in with him after her place is broken in to. Aww so sad.
On stage, Nikki (Kristen Bell - Forgetting Sarah Marshall) is Queen Shit and star of the show. But all this changes when one of the other girls finds out she's up the duff and Ali comes on board as her replacement. Just like in Coyote Ugly, the music stops while everyone is performing and gosh darn wouldn't you know it, Ali can actually sing.
Cue dancing on top of the bar. Whoops, wrong film.
Tess plans all the acts around Ali's newly discovered talent and Nikki gets pissed off blah blah blah.
The dialogue was basic, the plot predictable, I couldn't give a crap about the characters. The costumes and the choreography on the other and were spectacular though I suspect that was due to an attempt to hide all the ordinary going on elsewhere.
I shudder to think of all the fake eyelash and sequin factories that had to close down after filming wrapped up on this film. I do hope there is some sort of financial support available to them.
Cher is a couple of cosmetic surgery procedures away from looking like that crazy cat-face lady and a wee bit Marylin Mason-ish. How she acts through all those implants is beyond me. Prosthetics are one thing but a truck load of botox is quite another. Take note Nicole Kidman!
There was a really weird scene where Tess was doing Ali's makeup - Tess would dab on some lip stick and all of a sudden Ali would have a full red lip, just like magic; it looked so horribly fake.
The plot is a mashed up collection of so many movies. It's Show Girls; it's Coyote Ugly; it's Chicago; it's even frikken Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Ali with your voice so bright, won't you lead my show tonight...
Kristen Bell was so out of place in this film. I have an urge to watch Veronica Mars over and over again to purge this performance out of my head. How high were her shoes to make her look that tall?
I adore Stanley Tucci in everything he does but this one was a stretch. He was pretty much playing the same role as Nigel from The Devil Wears Prada but with more feather boas.
It almost felt like someone made a film to remind us that Cher was still alive and could still fit in to that skimpy suit if the situation ever called for it.
Things I learnt: never leave wet towels on the floor; don't touch Kristen Bell's stuff; 'test' is not the only word that rhymes with 'burlesque'.
Nowhere near enough Alan Cumming.
Three out of ten.