The Tourist

What do you get if you take two of Hollywood's biggest stars, plonk them in a beautiful European city and surround them with British actors? This film, that's what.
I was really looking forward to seeing this movie, I only recently watched The Lives Of Others which was also directed by Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, a man, if you ask me, would send the name-tag industry broke in a heartbeat.
Von Donnersmarck co-wrote the screenplay with Christopher McQuarrie (if you haven't seen the TV series Persons Unknown, don't worry about it) and the writer of one of my favourite bonnet flicks, Vanity Fair, Julian Fellowes.
Seemingly wealthy and gorgeous English woman Lara Croft, oops, Elise Ward (Angelina Jolie - Salt) is on the run from the bobbies at Scotland Yard. Chief Inspector Jones (Timothy Dalton - Hot Fuzz) has spent about eight million dollars chasing Elise and her mysterious lover Alexander Pearce (unknown)(kind of). Inspector Acheson (Paul Bettany - Creation) is on his way to Venice on a tip that Pearce is meeting up with Elise in the city of Lovers...
On her way to Venice by train, Elise befriends down-to-earth math teacher Frank (Johnny Depp - Alice In Wonderland).
Elise tricks the surveillance team following her into thinking that Frank is actually Pearce after a few episodes on Nip/Tuck. Seeing as no one knows exactly what Pearce looks like, they all fall for her apparently surgically altered decoy.
Pearce stole about seven hundred million dollars/pounds/euros (not sure) from an English gangster Shaw (Steven Berkoff - 44 Inch Chest). Shaw enjoys the company of Russian goons and breaking bookcases. Shaw wants his money back so he can buy more bookcases and possibly break them too. Circle of life and all that.
After the obligatory JDS - Jolie Dance Scene - the net gets awfully uncomfortable when everyone just happens to converge on the same place and wanting different things including Elise dead, Shaw's money back, find out who the hell is Frank, and where the bollocks is Pearce.
The Tourist is a patchwork of different movies, The Man Who Knew Too Much, North By Northwest and a touch of The Bourne Identity. While it appears that lots is happening on the screen, at the same time there is not much going on. Does that make sense? The city of Venice is distracting, or was that on purpose?
The surveillance team in the beginning may as well have had a giant neon sign saying 'SURVEILLANCE TEAMS 'R' US' and why oh why oh why are the bad guys so fucking incompetent when firing guns? Surely they must go through some sort of audition process before they are hired?
Jolie, while stunning as ever (though a tad thin) couldn't possibly give much of a performance through all that eye makeup; I really didn't feel anything from her. And Depp even had a bit too much guyliner in some parts too! This flick is a tad tame for Depp given his other roles.
The twist in the end caught me by surprise - I mustn't have been paying attention!
Things I learnt: learn when to say no to your makeup artist; if you're a baddie learn how to shoot a gun; if you're on the run, wear comfortable shoes.
A lovely advert for Venice tourism and train travel.
Seven out of ten.