The Expendables

This must have been the best idea for a flick ever. Take the world's biggest action stars, plonk them in a movie written and directed by the man who brought us a whole bunch of Rocky movies and let them blow shit up.
I'm sure it sounded like a good idea at the time...
Sylvester Stallone directed and co-wrote the screenplay along side Dave Callaham (Doom) that has a very impressive cast. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Steve Austin, Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts, David Zayas and Terry Crew fill out the bill in a film so chockers with testosterone I heard that any children being born within a two hundred kilometre radius of the set were all boys.
OK, so that didn't happen. But it could have.
Disclaimer... I don't remember any character's names or much of the plot for that matter (not sure if there was one in the first place) but we'll see how we go.
For reasons fast forgotten, Stallone and Statham fly to the island of Vilena which is currently under the rule of a goateed dictator played by David Zayas (Dexter). Stallone and Statham meet a pretty girl who likes to paint and just happens to be the daughter of the dictator. She doesn't want to leave the island with them after they blow stuff up.
Stallone and Statham go back home.
Stallone is confused.
Stallone decides to go back to get her.
Meanwhile, Zayas' dictatorship has been outsourced by Eric Roberts and Steve Austin of the Stone Cold variety.
Zayas makes his army guys paint their faces black with yellow lightning bolts.
The effect is quite striking.
Dolph Lundgren and Jet Li have a really cool fight.
There is much joking about Jet Li's height yet nothing is said about Stallone's mere 5'7"-ness.
On the island, Stallone and crew blow up everything that moves.
Terry Crew has a very, very loud gun.
The guys leave the island and the girl still stays behind. Perhaps leaving with a sixty year old man with extensive facial surgery is not at the top of her list of priorities after all.
There are in-jokes a plenty and lots of manly man camaraderie. I counted a whopping THREE female roles. One was the island chick; one was a love interest of Statham's (which had no bearing whatsoever on the story) and another girl who was there to make Rourke look good then went off to get him a beer.
BTW she never came back...
I have to say, Stallone needs subtitles. I'm sure he had a bunch of plot-critical lines that I just could not understand, not that it mattered in the long run. He is also very veiny in the arm department - quite off putting. One must wonder if he listens to Carly Simon's song and probably thinks the song is about him.
The Expendables is definitely a 'Dick Flick' with enough biffo and loud noises to keep any blokey bloke entertained from start to finish. If you're not worried about plots and want to see all of your childhood idols beat each other up on the screen then you will love this film.
Things I learnt: *grunt*
Four out of ten.